Last night I had a dream; a little girl was playing on some swings, she was so innocent and naïve. It was a beautiful sight to behold but then the world sucked her in and drained the innocence that made her childhood so sweet. Everything she thought she believed, everything she thought she was got taken away and was replaced by the harsh reality of a world without God; the devils playground. The sweet little girl turned into a crack whore and who do I see standing before her? Who was the one that caused her downfall? Me. Luckily I woke up and to be honest it was just a dream. If I’m to be held accountable for everyone else’s sins then fuck me I might as well be dead. If some little crack whore came to me wanting a little cash on the side in exchange for a bit of work, am I meant to say no that little money maker? I didn’t put the drugs in her hand, I didn’t tell her to sell her body and I’m not gonna give her a second thought let alone allow her to mark my conscience. People make their own decisions and the sooner they accept responsibility the better.

             I’m not a people person; you might have guessed that already. It’s not so much that I don’t like people; I just can’t stand this blame culture we’ve created. Everything is someone else’s fault and if god forbid we run out of people to blame, we start blaming god or karma, anything but accept the blame ourselves. Bad things happen for a reason, if you’re a bad person then you get bad back. Bull fucking shit. Karma doesn’t exist, if something bad happens to me it’s because certain roads I took, decisions I made lead me to a situation where bad shit went down. It wasn’t because for the first time since the bible was written God decided to intervene and punish me a little. It wasn’t because maybe the other day I told an old lady she could cross the road when the light was still red so karma kicked me up the arse. It was because of me. I have no problem swallowing that little pill and my life is more hellish then most peoples, so if can accept the bad shit that I do, then why the fuck cant you? Its like your all so wrapped up in the moment that you cant even see the chain of events that lead you there, you’re so desperate to wallow in the feeling that you negate all responsibility to what you did to get down that road. Christ, I guess at least if you’re feeling the bad shit then your still alive or some bullshit like that. It boggles the mind.

             I know people who the made the wrong choices and landed their stupid arse in jail, they sit there and always say the same things; ‘I shouldn’t be here’ or ‘how did I get here?’ are they serious? I mean come on, you commit a crime then you do the time sweetheart. If you’re not prepared to face the consequences of your actions then don’t fucking do it or at least don’t sit there and moan about it after. What’s brought all this on? Well I’ve been thinking about my current situation and to be honest I have no-one I can blame other than myself. If I hadn’t have chosen this life, I’d never have met Monroe, I’d never have been in the situation where the police had enough dirt on me to make me agree to this suicidal deal and I wouldn’t have to fuck him every frigging day just to keep him sweet. C’est la vie.

            Tonight I finally get some time to myself. Monroe is preparing himself for the job tomorrow and I’m apparently doing the same. Well I’m not, I know how it’s going to go down and I know everything will work out because the filth will be turning a blind eye for once. Probably I’ll get the call saying that we need to go over to fine details and make sure we haven’t missed anything, probably that means I have to go over and suck his dick to calm his nerves but until then I’m enjoying my freedom. I hate anyone else having control over my life and just the thought of him clicking his fingers and me having to respond makes me feel sick. I control my life, I choose what I want to do and to have that taken from me is the worst punishment. Most of the time I don’t even know what to do with myself; I’m spending my time with him and when I’m with him nothing is in my control. God, how could I have been stupid enough to get involved with him all those years ago? Christ, what was I thinking? I mean granted he wasn’t as controlling back then and we were even so its not like I had to keep him sweet in order to live. We had a mutual respect for each other but now because of certain events, the respect is gone and to be honest if I actually survive this game; it’ll be a miracle.

             This is like the final blow out in a film, when the hero goes up against the villain and you know that one of them won’t make it out alive. Tension spreads through the air like smoke, suffocating everyone in its path, infecting them with this feeling of complete terror and suspense. Everyone is watching; all the lowlifes, all the scum that we’ve wronged somewhere along the line, just waiting and hoping. Wondering how two sworn enemies came to be partners again and just waiting for one of them to fuck up and blow the other ones brains out. Reality was that I would loose, no-one goes up against Monroe and wins.

             So why the fuck am I doing this? Why the fuck am I in this situation? Its Karma…apparently.