Some things in life are beyond your control, hell some things are even beyond mine and let’s face it I have far more control over my life then you would ever dream of having in yours. My life may appear crazy and obscenely unpredictable to the untrained eye but it isn’t, almost nothing comes as a surprise to me even if I may let it appear to for the sake of my cause. Everything is calculated and recalculated to ensure I get the best possible outcome from my choice of action or reaction. Have I ever made a mistake so huge that it would take the rest of my life to get over it? Yeah, and it was then that I learnt exactly what in this world could cripple me within seconds, the one thing that could bring me to the brink of sanity, where all my actions are not thought through, where control goes out the window and I function on raw human emotion. That one tiny little thing that seemed like such a good idea once, that one tiny little thing that will break your heart far worse than any lover ever could and that one tiny little thing that I will spend the rest of my life in fear for.

             The smarter of you will know what I’m talking about, well done, would you like a fucking medal? And to those of you that haven’t got a clue what the fuck I’m harping on about, well I hope you never do. I have no intention of putting to print exactly what my mistake was because in all honesty it would take too long to explain and some things in life should be kept private. I know I sound like a dick with all this secrecy bullshit, mentioning things but not fully explaining and then top it all off, bitching and moaning that I have to write it down but you must understand that my days are numbered and like I’ve said before the world deserves to know my name and my achievements, so to speak.

             Today I had a meeting with G and I think he’s warming to me. If you ignore the cold stare and monotone words, I’m sure deep down he loves me. I probably don’t make matters better by pushing his buttons and seeing just how close to the edge he really was. By my calculations he was one stale donut away from eating a bullet and I have a feeling that if I make it through this alive, then I will be the one handing him that donut. Anyway I’ve lost my point…so G is not impressed by my lack of information in the past few weeks. To be honest crime has been pretty much pushed to the back burner for awhile. I neglected to tell him exactly what was going on and merely acted like the streets were just quiet at the moment, which in all honesty is true. Myself and Monroe haven’t done any jobs together or individually but that didn’t mean things weren’t in motion. G seemed to think that I was hiding something from him, that perhaps I was actually enjoying my time with the devil and that it got my heart racing and made my special place tingle; yes I did smile when he said those words to me which also probably didn’t help matters what with leaving and not actually answering him. Well I wouldn’t want to ruin his fantasy, would I?

            I could break G within moments; I could give him everything he had ever dreamed of and more only to take it away as quickly as he came. I could make his world seem far more alive and thrilling with just a few little words and then watch the fire burn his soul and destroy him from the inside. Pretty hardcore and egotistical you may think but you know how you feel when you think you’ve met the one? That excitement? That buzz that engulfs you whole and consumes your meaningless little lives, bit by bit until you can no longer function like a normal human being? Well imagine that feeling that you call ‘love’ intensified to such a force that you physically ache for what the person brought into your life within seconds of meeting them or of seeing whatever it was that made you realise your love. That is exactly what I do to men like him, men with rules and order to their lives, with jobs that depend on them and people that rely on them. Men that got so lost in the moment years ago that until they met the fire they didn’t even realise the moment had gone and they were left with unsatisfying shell of their former selves without ever really knowing how or when it happened. Suddenly life looses meaning and the spark fades from their eyes, they get grumpy and stressed, midlife crisis’s come and go but feeling never truly leaves. So hate me if you really want but at least acknowledge that even if only for a moment, I put the fire back in their heart and I make their lives worth living again, well until I grow bored of them or they have served their purpose and this game hasn’t even started yet. All games have rules you have to follow, so how do you ensure you always win the game? You bend your rules to suit your goal; don’t act like you’ve never done it. No-one is that innocent. Hell, God was the biggest rule bender around, he created the damn things.